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The super secret results of the 19th annual Awards for Dubious Political Distinction have been kept in a sealed Mason jar in the penthouse of Vancouver’s new Trump Tower.

The Donald himself stood guard, vowing to build a “beautiful wall” to protect the names of blushing winners and “overcomb” any curious intruders. But we’ve waited long enough. The envelopes please . Legislature to run for the federal Conservatives in a supposedly safe Tory riding.

If only Horne had been as fortunate as former colleague Marc Dalton, another Liberal MLA who tried to jump to federal politics.

Dalton lost his bid for a Conservative nomination. Lucky him. The guy who beat him lost to a Liberal opponent in the federal election, while Dalton wisely kept his day job as an MLA.

BEST AD CAMPAIGN

Independent candidate Wyatt Scott’s mind blowing TV commercial showed him slaying a dragon, flying on the back of a Canada goose and destroying evil alien robots with his laser vision.
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“I’m here to fight for Canada!” Scott said in the ad, which also showed him spontaneously growing a beard and saving a falling man in a dress.

He got 881 votes.

“I met people who stopped me on the street and they’d say: ‘Don’t worry. You’re going to get elected. I’m voting for you.’ I said: ‘Well, I’m not running for a member of parliament.’”

That would typically bring an awkward reply from the jurisdictionally confused voter, he said: “‘Oh. Oh, well, I. Jeez. I don’t know, then.’”

Less confused was the voter who told Chandra Herbert he was firm in his intention to vote for Conservative leader Stephen Harper.

“I said why? ‘Well, because he likes cats.’ That was the answer they gave me: ‘He likes cats.’”Congratulations to Green Party MLA Andrew Weaver, who broke his nose in a texting while walking mishap.

Sporting a large bandage on his schnozz, Weaver explained he was typing a text message on his cellphone and walked straight into a window pane.

“I recognize it’s very hard to take me seriously when I look like Beak Man here,” he told the house. “The teachable moment that I have here is that one should not text and walk.”

The silver lining: Weaver said he broke his nose several times earlier while playing rugby and the texting mishap actually moved the oft fractured honker back into a straighter alignment.

Hey, it’s cheaper than plastic surgery!

BEST HECKLER IN HEN HOUSE

Advanced Education Minister Andrew Wilkinson ruffled the feathers of his NDP rivals by imitating a chicken.

With his neck squarely on the question period chopping block over questionable spending in his ministry, Wilkinson squawked back at tormentors.

“The members opposite heckle and cackle and giggle like a flock of chickens,” Wilkinson beaked off, later referring to the NDP caucus as “the chicken coop” and then making clucking sounds.

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